I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
