Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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