I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dicks are not precious.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
