Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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