There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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