i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
