I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
They took my balls.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
