I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
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somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
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You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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