Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
