i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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