Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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