If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
