if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
