my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
