Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
