I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
