I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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