someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
