Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
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God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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