Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
