i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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