My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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