Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
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Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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