I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
