we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I love having hate sex.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
