im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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