I want to stick my p in your. b.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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