Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
