Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
