The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
