I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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