i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
