I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
