If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
