I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
