It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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