My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
