Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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