She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I want her autograph on my taint
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
