My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
