It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
