porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.