I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Come share oat with me in your robe
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
