my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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