You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
