im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
