I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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