thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
