I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
