Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
