1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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