Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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