they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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