All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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