I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
